////////pulled from my facebook, that would explain the mention of 'other' blogs/////////


I wish I didn’t feel the need to express myself in this manner, it’s like this circular thing I can never stop getting back to. I haven’t decided if it’s the emotional exhibitionist in me or the cold comfort that comes from complaining to the internet; knowing that as long as I type something and hit submit, the internet has to accept it (and by extension, at least one person will have to read it). It’s like I create these epiphanies that supposedly are going to change the direction of my life that only end up fading quicker than my relationships. Snap (more on that in a few). I feel as though my abilities are being wasted in the present context of my life. In the midst of my drug-riddled weekend at the Gathering of the Vibes in August, I came to the conclusion that I’ve structured my life around getting high in one way or another – it is the natural evolution of the various vehicles I’ve used to escape physical reality all of my life. First was overeating, then videogames (and overeating, a dangerous combination), then alcohol, then weed, then – it wouldn’t be prudent to go on. I also realized this: everyone wants to get high in this world, one way or another you can extrapolate the point: cigarettes, alcohol, coke, weed, ecstasy, pills, food, sports, sex, race cars, the lottery, back alley poker, dog fighting (I’m looking at you Vick) you fucking name it, we all love a rush (have you seen the pain Olympics on the internet? Don’t). The trick is designing a lifestyle that isn’t as boring as wallpaper but contains an appropriate level of enjoyment and excitement conducive to living a full, meaningful life.
I strongly believe I was made to do more than work a 9-5 and be like everyone else. I’m not like everyone else. I tried to be for a very, very, very long time and it doesn’t work. I’m a fucking weirdo, it’s the truth. Whether or not that it’s a bad thing I suppose really depends on your individual perspective though considering the lack of individual perspective these days (thanks to the continued conglomeration of media corporations and subsequent homogenization of ethics and values) that would be a monumental task to undertake. I was watching an interview of Thom Yorke (“no fucking way John, Radiohead videos on youtube, SOOO unlike you [/sarcasm]” he mentioned that when Radiohead was going through troubles during the creation of Kid A and the bandmates spent some time apart, he realized how he couldn’t see ideas through on his own; that he was more of one to get the ball rolling and shooting off new ideas to keep it rolling. This accurately describes my dilemma in creating art whether it be visual such as my work as dropdeadjohn or with music; I need to be surrounded by people who actively support my goals as I would theirs, I need people weird like I am, those who would be willing to explore and develop my more ‘out there’ ideas. It’s not that the friends I have now aren’t willing to go there; it’s just that enthusiasm seems stale lately. I know school screws up everyone’s schedule but its still seems like we’re all being lazy with the time we do have. I figure I should play with some other people for awhile, some who have been in music longer, to challenge myself better develop my skills and also maybe show the others what I’m aiming for. I just want to be able to go out and play shows and have great time and have us all play our best.
Music makes me happy in ways you can’t even begin to understand; it’s therapy for my synapses fraught with anxiety. The few times that me and my friends have really played a great set in the apartment, I literally felt the sensation of losing myself in the midst of the more intense bits of what we played. Building up to a solo and nailing it, just shredding the guitar, making Hendrix-esque noises, it’s all just like the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. You’re just in the zone, your ego is silent, all your little worries are put away while your soul experiences all the bliss the moment has to offer. For a few fleeting moments my anxiety fades to the background, patiently waiting until after the song to become creeping back into consciousness.
This past summer did a real number on me in a number of ways. Being broke and trying to find respectable work, fudging a relationship so bad I thought I was in Seinfeld and having all out panic attacks because I convinced myself I had ball cancer (loooooonngg story that ends with me not having ball cancer). Oh and that’s the other thing, I finally found out what it’s called when I get really nervous and I sweat a lot all of the sudden because I feel like I’m on fire and I can’t think – those are called panic attacks and I’ve had them since elementary school. They aren’t like HOLY SHIT IM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT I NEED MY PILLS AGHH but more like an extreme unsettling discomfort which blocks out logical thought processes. Perhaps I felt the more epiphanies I had, sooner or later my anxiety would just go away, like I could simply think it right out of my mind if I meditated or took enough acid and thought about it. I know now how foolish such an idea is. I will most likely deal with it on some level or another for the rest of my life, though now that I’ve realized it’s there, perhaps I can better address it.
If you’ve read any of my blogs previously, you probably could’ve ascertained such a ‘true’ assessment of me from reading between the lines of what I had written. You probably have your own inner judgments about me, whether or not you realize it. But know this, I’ve been receiving those judgments on a subconscious level all of my life; the voice inside me during a panic attack is the voice of judgment, my perceived judgments others are making of me. I don’t pretend to be innocent in this, for I’ve been a judgmental prick numerous times in my life. Just remember: when we judge others we judge ourselves.
The fact of the matter is this: complicated as I pretend to be, I’m really not. I want to live the amazing life I’ve always dreamed I would have. I want to reach my fullest potential. I want to be in that awesome band that composes intelligent yet fun music in any style and goes on the road to play shows and have the time of my life; maybe I’ll start my own neo-hipster revolution, traveling across the country with a band of artists and musicians seeking to educate and inspire like some modern boyhood daydream of the merry pranksters of the 1960’s. Ultimately though, I want to develop my art (both auditory and visual) and inspire others to unfurl their inner creativity. I want to love a girl who takes me for what I am, understands my perspective and helps me reach my goals in life. I want to do the same for her. I want to surround myself with intelligent, compassionate human beings, those whom we commoners call ‘good people’, those who rise above judging and competing with others in a rather primal, instinctual fashion and would rather cooperate and love. I want to be a beacon of positivity, love, and endless imagination in a world that seemingly seeks to instill the polar opposites of all three. I know I can do this because deep down in me there is only good. I just want everyone to be happy all of the time, a heaven on earth, because that’s what we really should be striving for on this plane. I want to inspire those who feel as lost as I do in this world. It starts from within.